The short answer is no, cheating back does not make it even. It does not remove the pain of what your partner did, and it adds a second betrayal that then needs its own honesty, its own repair, and its own decision. The urge to do it is common and understandable. Acting on it is a separate choice, and it is one you can still pause before making.
If you already cheated back, the second half covers what to do now: telling the truth, taking accountability, and deciding with the full picture in front of you.
Why "even" feels like justice
After discovery, anger is often the feeling that arrives first and stays longest. Dennis C. Ortman, in Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder, describes the aftermath of sexual betrayal in terms that include anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and intrusive thoughts, and he treats those reactions as a normal response to a severe shock, not as a character flaw. Rage after betrayal is not a sign that you are a vengeful person. It is a sign that something you depended on was broken without your consent.
The idea of cheating back usually carries a simple logic: they hurt me, so I will hurt them the same way, and then we will be equal. Underneath that logic are usually three quieter needs. The first is to feel wanted again, by someone, after being made to feel replaceable. The second is to get power back, after a decision was made about your relationship without you. The third is to make your partner feel what you felt, because words have not seemed to reach them.
Mira Kirshenbaum, in When Good People Have Affairs, sorts affairs by the motive behind them, and a revenge affair is one of the recognizable types: it is driven less by attraction to the other person than by anger at the partner. Naming that motive matters, because it tells you what the act can and cannot deliver. If the real need is to feel wanted, to have power back, or to be understood, a second affair is a poor tool for all three. It borrows someone else to settle a debt between you and your partner.
M. Gary Neuman, in The Truth About Cheating, interviewed men who had affairs and found that emotional dissatisfaction ranked first among the reasons they gave, ahead of sexual dissatisfaction. That finding points in the same direction: affairs are usually about something missing, not about a scoreboard. Cheating back treats the problem as a scoreboard, and scoreboards do not repair what is missing.
Why cheating back does not make it even
There are five costs worth seeing clearly before you act.
First, it does not remove the original pain. You will still know what your partner did. You will simply also know what you did.
Second, it creates a second betrayal with its own disclosure and repair. Your partner will need to hear the truth from you, decide what it means, and live with the same intrusive thoughts and mistrust you are living with now. Terry D. Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer, in Restoration Therapy, describe repair as restoring love and trustworthiness after they have been damaged. A second betrayal damages trustworthiness a second time, in the other direction, and it has to be repaired on its own terms. It cannot be folded into the first betrayal and settled together.
Third, it hands the partner who cheated first a justification. The conversation stops being about what they did and becomes about what you both did. That is not fair, and it is not accurate, since their affair came first and yours was a response. But in practice, that is how it plays out. A partner who was defensive about their affair may become more defensive once they have something of yours to point at.
Fourth, it can close off reconciliation. Reconciliation depends on one person taking full responsibility while the other decides freely whether to rebuild. Once both partners have cheated, that structure can collapse into scorekeeping. The question stops being "can we rebuild trust" and becomes "whose betrayal was worse," which has no answer that heals anything. Janis Abrahms Spring, in How Can I Forgive You?, warns against cheap forgiveness, the kind that is rushed or traded instead of earned. Trading confessions, where each person's apology cancels the other's, is a form of cheap forgiveness. Neither person has to face what they did, and neither person is free to decide.
Fifth, it can put your safety and your health at risk. A new sexual encounter carries a risk of sexually transmitted infections, and it can also escalate a conflict that is already volatile. Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson, in Reconcilable Differences, describe "toxic cures," fixes that are worse than the problem they were meant to solve. Revenge cheating is a textbook example: it is meant to cure the pain of betrayal, and it adds pain, risk, and complication instead.
What the urge is really asking for
It helps to separate the urge from the act. The urge is information. It is telling you that you feel powerless, unseen, or unheard, and that you want your partner to understand the size of what they did. Those are legitimate needs, and they can be met without a second betrayal.
Name the need out loud, to yourself first, in plain words. "I want to feel chosen." "I want him to feel what I felt." "I want to stop feeling like the only person following the rules." Once the need has a name, you can ask whether cheating back would actually meet it. Feeling chosen by a stranger is not the same as feeling chosen by your partner. Making your partner feel pain does not make them understand yours; it usually makes them defend themselves.
John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, describe healthy couples as turning toward each other in small moments rather than away, and as keeping fondness and admiration alive even during conflict. Cheating back is a sharp turn away. It does not have to define the marriage forever, but it does move the couple further from the kind of repair the book describes, where each partner takes responsibility for their own part and the two of them rebuild closeness on purpose.
What to do with the anger instead
Anger after an affair needs somewhere to go, and "do nothing" is not a plan. Here are four things that meet the need without creating a second betrayal.
First, put a delay between the urge and any irreversible act. A useful rule is 72 hours before any decision you cannot undo, and no big conversation while you are in the surge. Tell yourself the option will still be there in three days if you still want it. Give the surge three days to pass before you decide.
Second, say the angry thing somewhere safe. Write it out in full, unsent, or say it to a trusted friend or a professional, not to your partner in the heat of the moment and not to a stranger you might sleep with. The point is to have the feeling heard, not to act on it.
Third, move your body. Walk, run, clean something, lift something heavy. This sounds too simple for the size of the feeling, and it can still help, because anger is physical as well as mental. Ortman places working through rage and emotional numbing among the stages of healing, and movement is one practical way to work off some of that physical part.
Fourth, set a boundary you can keep. Vicki Tidwell Palmer, in Moving Beyond Betrayal, treats boundaries as a form of self-care: limits you set to protect yourself and to get your needs met, not punishments for the other person. A boundary might be "I will not discuss the affair after 9pm," or "I need you to sleep in the other room this week," or "I will not make a decision about our marriage until we have had three honest conversations." Boundaries give you power back in a way that does not depend on hurting someone else.
For more on handling the anger itself, the RenuuAI article "I Am So Angry After the Affair" covers what to do during a surge, how to express anger honestly, and when to seek outside support.
A note on safety
Do not cheat back as a way to provoke or punish a partner who may become threatening. If your partner has ever hit you, threatened you, controlled who you see or where you go, or made you afraid, escalating the conflict is dangerous. Revenge is not worth your safety. If you are afraid, leave the situation, tell someone you trust, and seek help from a local domestic violence service or a professional. RenuuAI is not a substitute for that support, and this article is not a safety plan. If there is fear of violence, getting safe comes before any conversation about the relationship.
If you already cheated back: what now
If the revenge affair already happened, you do not need a lecture. You need a clear path, and it has four parts.
Tell the truth about your part, separately
Do not trade confessions. Do not wait for your partner to confess something new and then answer with yours, and do not present yours as a response that cancels theirs. Tell the truth about what you did in its own conversation, plainly and completely, because your partner deserves to make informed decisions about their own life. Ellyn Bader, Peter T. Pearson, and Judith D. Schwartz, in Tell Me No Lies, describe how lies between partners, including lies by omission, can harm a relationship. A clean disclosure stops adding secrecy to it. It does not undo the affair, but it stops the secrecy from growing.
If you need help planning that conversation, the RenuuAI article "How Do I Tell My Partner I Cheated" walks through how to prepare, what to cover, and how to give your partner room to respond without rushing them.
Take accountability without cancelling theirs
Own what you did without minimising it, and without using it to minimise what your partner did. The two betrayals are separate facts. Saying "I cheated, and I am responsible for that" does not mean "what you did was fine." Terry Real, in The New Rules of Marriage, stresses accountability without defensiveness: owning your part fully, without turning it into an attack or an excuse. Your partner may be angry, may need space, and may ask the same questions repeatedly. That is not punishment. It is how a person checks whether the story stays the same, and whether they can trust it.
At the same time, do not accept a version where your revenge affair erases their original betrayal. If your partner says "now we are even, so stop bringing up my affair," that is scorekeeping, not repair. Both betrayals need to be faced, and neither one cancels the other.
Get tested
If your revenge affair was sexual, get tested for sexually transmitted infections, and tell your partner so they can decide about testing too. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that STIs often have no symptoms, and recommends talking with a healthcare provider about which tests are right for you. This is practical, not moral. It is part of taking responsibility for the health consequences of the choice.
The RenuuAI article "My Partner Cheated. Do I Need to Get Tested for STIs" covers what to ask for, when to retest, and what to do in the first 72 hours if post-exposure prevention is relevant.
Decide on the full picture
Once both betrayals are on the table, decide about the relationship on the full picture, not on the score. William J. Doherty and Steven M. Harris, in Helping Couples on the Brink of Divorce, describe discernment counseling as a process for uncertain partners to gain clarity and confidence about their decision, rather than forcing a verdict while emotions are at their peak. Give yourself time, and ask whether each of you is willing to do the repair work, whether trust can be rebuilt in both directions, and whether the relationship you would be rebuilding is one you actually want.
Stefanie Carnes, in Mending a Shattered Heart, includes the question "Should I stay or should I go?" among the first questions partners ask after betrayal, and pairs it with questions about boundaries and safety. That pairing is right. The stay-or-leave question cannot be answered well until the boundaries and safety questions are answered first.
If both of you decide to try to rebuild, the RenuuAI article "We Both Cheated. Can Our Relationship Recover" is the next step. It covers ending both affairs, disclosing fully, stopping the scorekeeping, and deciding whether to rebuild or separate.
Conclusion
Cheating back feels like justice because the pain is real and the imbalance is real. But it does not balance anything. It adds a second injury, gives your partner a justification, and can close the door on the reconciliation it was meant to force. The urge itself is not something to be ashamed of. It is anger and grief asking to be heard. Hear it, name what it wants, and choose a response that leaves you with fewer regrets, not more.
If you already cheated back, the way forward is the same as it was for your partner: tell the truth, take responsibility, look after the practical consequences, and decide slowly with the full picture in front of you.
A good place to start
This week, write down the sentence your urge is really saying. Not "I will cheat back," but the need underneath it, in your own words: "I want to feel wanted," or "I want them to understand how much this hurt," or "I want to stop feeling powerless." Then write down one thing you can do this week that meets that need without a second betrayal: a boundary you will set, a conversation you will ask for, or a person you will tell the truth to about how angry you are.
If it would help to sort through the urge, the anger, and the decision in a private place, RenuuAI is a private AI recovery coach app that offers guided sessions and a personalized recovery roadmap for both betrayed partners and partners who were unfaithful. It is support between appointments, not therapy, and it does not decide for you whether to stay, leave, or forgive. It can help you think clearly about what you want before you act on a feeling that will still be there tomorrow.
Sources
- Terry D. Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer, Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy (2011, Routledge) (book citation, no URL)
- Vicki Tidwell Palmer, Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts (2016, Central Recovery Press) (book citation, no URL)
- Stefanie Carnes (editor), Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, 2nd edition (2011, Gentle Path Press) (book citation, no URL)
- M. Gary Neuman, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It (2008, Wiley) (book citation, no URL)
- Dennis C. Ortman, Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing (2009, Celestial Arts) (book citation, no URL)
- Mira Kirshenbaum, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships (2008, St. Martin's Press) (book citation, no URL)
- Ellyn Bader, Peter T. Pearson, and Judith D. Schwartz, Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage (2000, St. Martin's Press) (book citation, no URL)
- Janis Abrahms Spring with Michael Spring, How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To (2004, HarperCollins) (book citation, no URL)
- William J. Doherty and Steven M. Harris, Helping Couples on the Brink of Divorce: Discernment Counseling for Troubled Relationships (2017, American Psychological Association) (book citation, no URL)
- John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999, Crown) (book citation, no URL)
- Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson, Reconcilable Differences (2000, Guilford Press) (book citation, no URL)
- Terry Real, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work (2007, Ballantine Books) (book citation, no URL)
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "Getting Tested for STIs" (March 17, 2026) - https://www.cdc.gov/sti/testing/